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Jewellery and clothing – dressing your loved one

Mon, 11 Sep 2023 20:00:00 GMT

Jewellery and clothing – dressing your loved one

At Integrity Funeral Care, we understand that families have very strong feelings about the way their loved one is dressed for their burial or cremation. Communication is key, and it is very important to us that between us, we make sure we know precisely what your wishes are.

Equally, there will be decisions to be made regarding jewellery – either that already being worn by the deceased or items you would want to have them wear at the end.

When we collect someone from the hospital or public mortuary, or from your home, we will have a full list of all clothing and jewellery so that everyone knows precisely what items they have with them. All jewellery is kept carefully and safely locked away in our safe so you can have complete confidence that it is being properly looked after. Families often decide to bring other pieces to us with which to dress the body, and again, these will be kept under lock and key and recorded down to the last item.

Some families want to remove items like wedding and engagement rings to have as a keepsake, others want their relation to be buried or cremated with them (It’s important to understand that in the case of cremation, the jewellery will be destroyed and mingle with the ashes).

When it comes to the day of the funeral, if you have chosen an open casket for the service, families often like to put tokens of love in with the deceased. These can be letters, photographs, teddy bears, bibles, rosaries in the Catholic tradition – people choose all kinds of things as appropriate tokens. When it comes to cremation, however, it’s important to understand that some things cannot be included for safety reasons, particularly any electronic or battery-operated equipment. If the family member has had a pacemaker fitted this will also have to be removed prior to cremation for the same reason. Some specific brands of shoes can also be problematic for cremation, notably Dr Martens, because of the large amount of metal in them. The same is true of some American-style caskets that can also have a high metal content.

If you’re unsure whether an item can be included, please don’t hesitate to ask us in advance. We want to make sure we can meet as many of your wishes as possible, so early discussion is always welcome and advisable.

Your loved one’s ashes

Sun, 10 Sep 2023 15:22:48 GMT

Your loved one’s ashes

If you choose to have your loved one cremated, within a week or so after the event, their ashes will be passed by the crematorium to us as your funeral director. We will then get in touch with you to let you know that we have them, that they are safe, and to ask you what you would like to have done with them.

There are a number of options available to you.

The ashes can be:

· Kept in a decorative, sealed urn.

· Buried in a small plot or memorial site.

· Scattered at a significant location (permission needed for public or private property).

· Incorporated into jewellery or a tattoo.

Whatever you decide, we are very happy to help with advice for how to achieve your desired outcome, and please do get in touch if there is anything you do think we can assist with.

Unlike some funeral directors, we do not impose a time restriction on looking after ashes for you, nor do we impose a fee for so doing, but there is a limit to how much storage space we can make available for this service. As a result, it is always helpful if families keep us informed as to their plans. We will send you reminders from time-to-time if the ashes have been left with us for a long while, but we do understand that for some people, the finality of collecting them and finding a permanent location in which to put them can be an emotional process in itself. Again, if you are struggling with the idea, please do not hesitate to get in touch and we will assist in any way we can.

If you are having problems facing collection of your loved one’s ashes, all we ask is that you let us know.

We will always try to help.

Marie Curie Day of Reflection – March 2023

Wed, 22 Mar 2023 19:52:37 GMT

Marie Curie Day of Reflection

The COVID 19 lockdown was arguably the most significant shift in public behaviours over recent years and was put in place to safeguard the UK from the threat of what became a pandemic.

Despite the lockdown’s efforts to protect, the UK suffered the loss of many thousands of people, leaving family and friends devastated by the outcome of such a cruel and indiscriminate virus.

Having worked with many families who suffered the loss of loved ones due to the virus, we at Integrity Funeral Care experienced at first hand the effects that bereavement can have on individuals especially during such times of enforced isolation. The initial frustration of not being able to attend funerals or the limiting of mourners to only six people was a tragedy in and of itself, not to mention the inability to view a loved one prior to the funeral, or on the day itself. We will never forget the compound trauma that lockdown brought to those already grappling with loss and the inability to grieve in a manner of their choosing.

At Integrity Funeral Care, we firmly believe that such a momentous period in our nation’s history should never be forgotten; with this in mind, we join the third Marie Curie UK National Day of Reflection to salute those who suffered loss, and to commemorate the people who sadly succumbed to the virus.

At midday, on Thursday 23 March, all activity will cease in our offices as we observe the minute’s silence and reflect on the events of lockdown and on those who are no longer with us.

If you are struggling with grief, you do not need to do so alone. As the UK’s leading end of life charity, Marie Curie, offers a number of resources to provide help and support, which can be found here:

https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/get-involved/day-of-reflection/grief-resources

Who will look after my pet when I die?

Fri, 17 Feb 2023 20:37:12 GMT

Who will look after my pet when I die?

As we get older, we tend to look at how to leave everything in our lives in a state where it will be fairly straightforward for our loved ones to sort out, but one area often neglected is that of our pets. If we have a pet who might outlive us it’s really important to talk to our families about what will happen to them when we’re gone. Is there a relative or friend who’d be happy to take them to live with them? If that is the case, it might be worth making this clear in your will and even possibly leaving a sum of money as a contribution towards their future care. You can’t leave money directly to a cat, dog or budgie, but a solicitor can draw up a clause in your will explaining that their care is what the bequest is for. This could be in the form of a straight payment or even in a trust. It’s important not to name your pets in your will but refer to them as “my dogs/cats etc.,” just in case you take in a new animal after the will has been written which isn’t accidentally excluded. You might also want to include details of how they should be cared for, the vet you would like them to see and information about the food they like and their daily routines including walks, etc.

Of course, not everyone has family members or friends able or willing to take on your pets and it can be a source of worry, but it need not be. There are a number of charities offering adoption schemes and these can be signed up to in advance to put your mind at rest. We’ve listed just a small handful below to give you some idea of the available options.

The national animal charity, the RSPCA, runs the Home for Life scheme which effectively makes them your pet’s new owners, and gives a commitment is to try to find a suitable new home for the animal(s).

The Canine Care Card from the Dogs Trust gives the charity permission to find a new home for your dog, with the promise that if they are unsuccessful, they will look after it themselves and there is no question of a healthy animal being put down.

The Cat Guardians Card from the Cats Protection League runs a very similar scheme for cats, and importantly also pledges lifetime care.

RSPCA Home for Life - https://www.rspca.org.uk/whatwedo/care/homeforlife

Dogs Trust Canine Care Card - https://www.dogstrust.org.uk/how-we-help/canine-care-card

Cats Protection League - https://www.cats.org.uk/what-we-do/catguardians

There are many other organisations operating similar schemes, and of course, they all hope that by taking advantage of their particular offering you will be moved to make a donation to them in your will – but this is by no means something you have to do and is entirely voluntary.

One further organisation worthy of mention is The Cinnamon Trust https://cinnamon.org.uk/ which is a charity set up specifically for the needs of pets whose owners are too much in ill health to be able to care for them without support. It has a national network of more than 15,000 volunteers who help owners who are in difficulty look after their animals so they can stay together. It also offers fostering and adoption services.

Our animals mean a great deal to us, so it’s worth giving some serious thought to their care after we’ve gone.

Call to allow reuse of graves as burial plots run low in England and Wales

Sun, 05 Feb 2023 21:37:11 GMT

Call to allow reuse of graves as burial plots run low in England and Wales

The Guardian newspaper ran a story around the chronic and worsening availability of burial space in Britain, particularly here in London, and they asked Paul for his thoughts on this emerging crisis:

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/dec/26/call-allow-reuse-graves-burial-plots-run-low-england-wales

Seven reasons to choose an independent funeral director

Sun, 05 Feb 2023 21:26:58 GMT

Seven reasons to choose an independent funeral director

Selecting a funeral director can be a confusing business. We only do it when we’re at our lowest and when we’re least inclined to do lengthy research to find the best option. Sometimes it’s tempting to go for a corporate, High Street chain. The name will be familiar, and it can feel like a really big business is most likely to do a good job. However, we think taking the independent route is best, and here are the reasons why:

Independent funeral directors tend to be family businesses, rooted in their communities. Corporate branches inevitably tend to be more impersonal and distant. Their first responsibility is to their shareholders. For an independent, it’s to the people they serve every day of the year.
Then there’s the personal touch. Walk into a corporate today and the people you speak to in the branch are unlikely to be the people who will actually carry out your wishes on the day of the funeral. With most independents you will be dealing with the same people from start-to-finish, so they will be by your side through the whole process. In fact, it’s a bit like having a baby. Ask a mother-to-be if they want to have a community midwife who they work with in the weeks and days leading up to the birth and who will be there beside them throughout, or if they’d want to go to a big maternity hospital and perhaps be looked after by three or four different and unfamiliar people over the course of the entire experience. Relationships matter.
Every funeral is unique, or at least it should be. The big companies will say they offer a personalised service, and no doubt they will try to do so up to a point. In reality, there are limits within their fixed, corporate structure which mean there can be a one size fits all approach, whereas a good independent will go the extra mile to try to make sure every detail matches to the needs of the deceased’s loved ones.
In these straightened financial times, people are often shocked at how much a funeral may cost and will want to find out about spreading payments over a longer period to make it more manageable. Corporate companies will have arrangements with finance houses that will charge interest, much as one would be offered if buying a fridge or TV. A good independent will have a grown-up, sympathetic conversation with a client who is concerned about cost, to work out together the best way of dealing with the problem, rather than simply sending them elsewhere to effectively borrow money.
There are some things an independent funeral director will do to make sure your experience is as good as it can be for which a corporate may not be geared up. Chain stores are unlikely to be able to help with a caterer, a hall, choir and other musicians, and they’re not going to be as familiar as a local business with the various ministers and celebrants you might want to have. They might well not understand the difference, for example, between a minister from the Seventh-Day Adventists and one from the Church of God in Christ, let alone know them personally. Families often ask if we can help with coach or minibus hire, or wheelchair access vehicles, or if we can offer support in arranging for family members to fly in from overseas and stay in hotels, and we always do everything we can to take the weight from their shoulders with these elements. These are all things with which a corporate is unlikely to be able to offer help. As for organising something as personal as Nine Night, for example, most big companies wouldn’t know where to begin.
For an independent, our reputation is of inestimable importance. Unlike the corporates, much of our business comes to us as a result of recommendations among the communities we serve. We have to make sure every job is as near perfect as it could possibly be. What’s more, that’s not just a business commitment, it’s a personal one. We do this job, not as employees in need of a pay packet, but as people who understand how important a funeral is, and who feel a strong responsibility to their neighbours and friends, to be the best that we can be.
Lastly, a riddle. When is an independent, not an independent? The answer is, when it’s trading under a different name from that of its parent company. The big companies buy up successful local businesses with a strong reputation, specifically because they know how important that can be when people are making this most difficult of choices. Sometimes they keep the name above the door, even if everything else they offer is actually a carbon copy of that on offer from every other shop in their chain. So, if you are in need of a funeral director and you think you’ve selected an independent, don’t forget to ask if they truly are such. The answer may surprise you.

Your digital legacy

Tue, 12 Jul 2022 12:59:14 GMT

Your digital legacy

Where once when people died they left behind paperwork and hopefully a will, today we all also have a digital footprint which can contain things of great value, material or sentimental. More and more people are losing precious memories locked away on a loved one’s social media profiles. A survey carried out this year (2022) found that fewer than 8% of us have made any plans at all about what should happen to our social media accounts when we die.

This article is designed to give you a few ideas about how to make sure your relatives can access your digital legacy, and also what to do if you already find you’re unable to get into the profiles of people who’ve already departed.

The law

It can come as a shock when people die to discover that relatives have no absolute legal right to access their digital profiles. Assets with an obvious monetary value like bank accounts or savings schemes should become accessible once probate has been granted (i.e., when someone’s will is accepted as a valid legal record of the deceased’s wishes). What is surprising is that there are digital assets which the deceased has paid money for which are not able to be passed on as part of someone’s estate. Apple in particular takes a firm hand on this. Anything stored in the iCloud is not transferable property after death, even if that includes a substantial music or film collection properly bought and paid for.

Make a list of your password and usernames

The simplest way to make your online material accessible is to provide your loved ones with the usernames and passwords you use on your various accounts. The Digital Legacy Association offers a free download of a document they call a Social Media Will ( https://digitallegacyassociation.org/social-media-will-template/ ) which is easy to follow and fill in. The important thing here is to try to remember all the sites where you have a profile including bank accounts and savings. Don’t overlook the obvious ones; your phone and laptop/tablet/desktop will have their own security details which ought to be listed too. You may have accounts with companies like Sky TV or Netflix. You may pay for your utilities using password-controlled accounts. Just try not to leave anything out that you would want people to be able to get into after you’re gone. You might have a website of your own, or a blog spot, or you may have accumulated masses of family history information. If you don’t want it to get lost, plan ahead, and most importantly, remember to update your Social Media Will when you change passwords.

If you need to find out about any particular profile in detail, it is worth taking a look at the Digital Legacy Associations guides (https://digitallegacyassociation.org/), but below is a brief and simple explanation of how some of the big brands operate along with some useful links to get you started.

PayPal

Any funds held in the accounts of payment service companies like PayPal are part of a deceased person’s estate so it’s important to make the executor aware of them. To find out how to access a loved one’s account, go to - https://www.paypal.com/uk/smarthelp/article/how-do-i-close-a-deceased-customer's-paypal-account-faq1694

Facebook

When Facebook finds out someone has died it automatically freezes their account’s wall and turns it into a tribute page. Thereafter it can be difficult for family members to get access to the account which might hold lots of valuable material, particularly photos. In a perfect world, we would all back-up and download our accounts so nothing gets lost, but we all have busy lives and it’s the kind of thing we very often don’t get round to until it’s too late. Fortunately, the company has worked this out already, so that you have an option to nominate a legacy contact. This person will be able to monitor and control what happens to your account after death and also to download those precious pictures. If you don’t nominate a legacy contact it is perfectly possible that lots of items you might have wanted your family to have will not be available to them. Some families have even had to go to court to get access to a deceased relative’s account – not always successfully.

To nominate someone as your Facebook Legacy Contact - https://www.facebook.com/help/1070665206293088?helpref=faq_content

To request that your Facebook account is deleted after your death - https://www.facebook.com/help/contact/228813257197480

Twitter

Twitter has no systems in place to enable a relative to take charge of someone else’s account. If you don’t have the username and password, you’re not getting in. It does offer the option of deleting an account after someone has died but that’s pretty much all.

To have a relative’s account deactivated or to leave a request in your will asking for it to be shut down after you’ve gone - https://help.twitter.com/en/rules-and-policies/contact-twitter-about-a-deceased-family-members-account

Google

Google’s services for family members of people who have died are among the most advanced and convenient available, allowing the designated person full access including the ability to download those precious pictures or documents. Anyone can sign into their Google account and appoint a Digital Executor who has authority over all the company’s platforms including Gmail and YouTube.

To set up a Google Digital executor - https://www.google.com/settings/account/inactive

Microsoft

Unless you use Apple for everything, you’re likely to have one or more softwares from Microsoft, and getting into these when someone dies is probably the most arduous digital difficulty of all. In fact, if your relative hasn’t left you the relevant username and password, you will almost certainly have to go to court to gain access. As it says on the company’s website, “Microsoft must first be formally served with a valid subpoena or court order to consider whether it is able to lawfully release a deceased or incapacitated user’s information regarding a personal email account (this includes email accounts with addresses that end in Outlook.com, Live.com, Hotmail.com, and MSN.com), OneDrive storage, or any other aspect of their Microsoft account.”

Accessing Microsoft services when someone has died - https://support.microsoft.com/en-gb/office/accessing-outlook-com-onedrive-and-other-microsoft-services-when-someone-has-died-ebbd2860-917e-4b39-9913-212362da6b2f ?

Apple

As previously mentioned, Apple appears to work from the assumption that if a customer hasn’t made provision for a relative to access their accounts after that person’s death, they probably didn’t want it to happen at all. Later Apple devices (iOS 15.2, iPadOS 15.2, and macOS 12.1 and after) do allow for the nomination of a legacy contact.

Find out how to do it here - https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT208510

Mobile phone contracts

A deceased person’s mobile phone may be on a long-term contract or might have a significant quantity of pay-as-you-go credit. Equally, the device itself may hold important pictures, voice messages etc., that you wouldn’t want to lose. The various companies have different systems in place, but all the big players are becoming much more amenable to helping grieving families than once they were.

EE - https://ee.co.uk/help/help-new/managing-and-using-my-account/managing-my-account/tell-us-someone-has-died

Vodafone - https://support.vodafone.co.uk/Account/Reporting-a-life-event/1447555292/How-do-I-report-a-bereavement.htm

O2 - https://www.o2.co.uk/help/account-and-billing/bereavement

LinkedIn makes no provision for an account to be passed to a relative but it does allow memorialisation and, with password access, there is the option to download your LinkedIn date to keep and also to close the account.

https://www.linkedin.com/help/linkedin/answer/2842/deceased-linkedin-member?lang=en

Ancestry.co.uk

Family History is one of the most popular global pastimes and is often cited as being in the top three occupations for online searches. The industry is dominated by Ancestry which is home to more than thirty billion records and more than a hundred million family trees on one of the largest databases in the world. The company also operates very rigid rules when it comes to protection of members’ personal information and accessing a deceased relative’s account means proving beyond doubt your right to do so. Ancestry members are advised to include, in or with their will, a letter authorising control of their account to an executor, or risk the fruits of all their hard work being lost. The company will also possibly require a death certificate, copy of the will and various other documents, depending on the specific case.

To manage a deceased person’s Ancestry account - https://support.ancestry.co.uk/s/article/Managing-a-Deceased-Person-s-Account

Pay TV

When someone dies, relatives will generally close their pay TV accounts or will want to change the name and payment details if a subscription is to continue.

To contact Sky TV about an account holder’s death - https://www.sky.com/help/articles/deceased-sky-account-holder

Netflix - https://help.netflix.com/en/node/110165

Who do you tell?

There is a great deal of trust involved when giving anyone the potential to access your digital profiles. You want to be sure that they will not act upon the information until you have died, and it may be that some profiles are more sensitive than others. There is no reason why this responsibility should not be spread around among family members or friends. It could be that the person you want to have control of your social media is not the same individual as you would want taking charge of your emails. Take you time to decide who can do what and make sure to leave clear instructions as to where everything can be found. If you have lodged a copy of your will with a solicitor, you could always decide to leave the information with them for safekeeping.

The choice is yours, but as with all planning around the end of your life, don’t leave it too late to make up your mind.

How to repatriate your loved one to a country outside the UK

Fri, 01 Jul 2022 10:01:21 GMT

How to repatriate your loved one to a country outside the UK

Often families want to honour the last request of their loved one by having their body or ashes taken back to the land of their birth. This can be a daunting prospect for many funeral directors who are not experienced in the process, and for families the stress and complexity of the regulations can seem overwhelming.

At Integrity Funeral Care we provide an end-to-end service to take all the anxiety away. Some people do, however, prefer to make these arrangements themselves. What we would say is that if you do decide to take the task on, there are a number of steps which have to be taken to ensure the deceased’s safe arrival. Equally, if using a funeral director other than ourselves, please do make sure they fully understand what’s involved as many do not. Some will only deal with the UK element of the procedure and have nothing to do with liaising with their counterparts abroad. Failure to fulfil each part of the process correctly can lead to delays or even to the body being refused exit from the UK or admission to the country in question. This is your step-by-step guide to what must be done.

Point one

Where in particular did the departed wish to be buried? Did they have a specific parish in mind or a particular cemetery? Do you already know a funeral director who can place them there? Take care when identifying that final resting place that you are very specific about the precise location. Cemeteries in the Caribbean, for example, tend to be privately run and often have the same name – e.g., there are Dovecote cemeteries in Jamaica in both Kingstone and St Catherine’s. We have known remains to be taken to one while the family are gathered at the other which is very distressing for all concerned. Making sure everyone knows exactly where you mean is vital.

Point two

If you are attempting the repatriation process yourself or relying on another funeral director to do so, how effective is the communication with the service provider at the other end? Will you have to pay both separately? At Integrity Funeral Care we settle the fees with our counterparts abroad so you only receive one bill, but not everyone works that way and it’s important for you to be sure to avoid any nasty financial shocks.

Point three

Not all funeral directors in the country of receipt are experienced in taking charge of remains from the UK or anywhere else overseas. There is a lot of paperwork involved and if they don’t know exactly what they’re doing things can go wrong. For example, there is one document in particular which, if not presented in proper order, will potentially prevent the casket or urn being put onto the aeroplane or even being sent back from the country of destination. This is called an Out of England Certificate and is normally provided either by the coroner or Registrar of Births Marriages and Deaths in the UK. It is essential to have this prior to travel. Equally, the British Embassy or High Commission in the country to which the remains are going need to know they are on their way. If officials at both ends of the chain are fully informed, the entire customs process will be significantly smoother. If they’re not, the body could be held up for a number of days. Harrowing to recount, but this can be hugely problematic, especially if the casket is held up in an airport storeroom for a number of days in a hot country. There is no pleasant way to put it. If decomposition takes hold, it is all too easy to imagine the potential consequences, up to and including making a viewing for local family members impossible.

Point four

Specific problems can arise with the repatriation of ashes, again if the proper paperwork is lacking. Crematoria produce certificates of cremation, and we at Integrity Funeral Care also provide our own official document confirming that a cremation has taken place. These papers will confirm the contents of an urn to customs. If they are absent, it is perfectly possible that the ashes will be opened and samples taken to test for drugs or explosives. – something which no family would wish to be put through – and again, alerting the High Commission or Embassy in advance can help ensure this doesn’t happen. It is worth pointing out that families often decide on repatriation some time after a cremation has taken place, even years down the line, so if these certificates have been issued it is vital to make sure they are kept in a safe place for future use.

We hope the explanation above will have given you all the information you need to be able to undertake a repatriation successfully as we know how important it is for everyone’s peace of mind for things to go as smoothly as possible. If you have any questions about what’s required or if your loved one needs to go home and you wouldlike our help, please do not hesitate to get in touch.

The things being a funeral director has taught me

Tue, 12 Apr 2022 09:55:36 GMT

The things being a funeral director has taught me

Most of us would probably say we’re not defined by the job we do, but by who we are as people. As a funeral director over the past few years I’ve come to realise that the two, for me, are indistinguishable. I’m a mum and a wife and a sister and a daughter, but the way I view these things is undoubtedly affected by the work I do.

I call it a job, but to be honest, it doesn’t feel like any other job I’ve ever done. Everyone wants to do their best at work, but in this business, it’s not just an aspiration, it’s imperative. For each of our clients there is only one chance to get everything right. If we don’t manage to make sure one of the most difficult days of their lives goes as well as possible then we’ve failed them. Even the idea of letting a family down sends a shudder down my spine. We have to get it right every time. It sounds pompous to describe it as a vocation rather than a job, but that’s how it feels to me.

Working as a funeral director has certainly made me think more deeply about death. There are few people outside the emergency services who are confronted by death every day, and it changes you. Before my husband Paul and I founded Integrity Funeral Care I was like everyone else. I didn’t like to think about death and anyway, life was too busy to take the time for such reflections. Then, death was a kind of abstract idea, but dealing with it as a reality every day gives you pause. I’ve seen grief, so much grief, and it’s given me greatly increased respect for people, for how they behave with dignity when all they want to do is collapse in a heap. Getting them through that grief is why we’re here. I’ve seen how the death of a loved one can bring people’s own thoughts into a sharper perspective. A while ago, we had a client who got in touch and asked if I could recommend a counsellor. I thought she meant a bereavement counsellor to help her get over her loss, but it wasn’t that. The grief had made her realise that she had not dealt with some family issues from her childhood, but merely buried them away instead and they had now come flooding back. She felt in need of a therapist to talk to so she didn’t have those memories hanging over her forever.

Organising funerals has taught me a lot about family dynamics too. People react in so many different ways. On the one hand, families who have experienced some degree of distance or estrangement can be wonderfully brought together in their shared loss, and I’ve certainly experienced this myself with the deaths of my own parents. On the other hand, getting everyone together in such an emotionally charged atmosphere as a funeral can have the opposite effect. Tension previously swept under the carpet, often for the benefit of the deceased, can suddenly come pouring out when everyone is at their most vulnerable. Once silent unspoken wars burst into life and hurtful things are said. Sometimes there’s infighting over the funeral arrangements themselves, and Paul and I have to be peacemakers, explaining that in the end, the next of kin, the very closest to the person who’s passed away, has to have the final say. I always find myself hoping against hope that those people will see that we only have one family and that to be at loggerheads with them is such a waste. Our time is short and so many people go to their end with regrets. It’s so very sad. Funerals are sad, but at their best they’re also celebrations of a loved person, and we try always to help people remember that.

Some funerals are harder than others. When someone has lived to a good age and their family is united in grief but also in pride and love, they can be wonderful, memorable occasions. The ones where someone has died before their time, accidents, suicides and the deaths of children are particularly hard to bear. However, they’re also the times when we know we have to be totally focused on those left behind, and making sure they feel that their departed relative has been given the send-off they deserve. That’s why Paul and I are so detail-driven. Everything has to be as near perfect as possible.

In terms of thinking about my own mortality and that of my family, I’m glad that I have a strong faith which tells me good works will be rewarded when we pass. I don't want to die, but I’m not afraid of it. It does drive me to want to make sure I leave nothing unsaid to those I love. It’s so important not to put off telling people how much you care about them. You never know how long you’ll have the chance. It also helps to put the little things into perspective. We all sometimes allow the daftest things to upset or annoy us. Every day I get to see how pointless that is.

All of the above being said, I cannot possibly relate just how much I love doing what I do. To have the honour and the pleasure of being able to look after people and to serve them, in their hour of need, is just such a privilege. To come away from a funeral thinking, “We did a good job there and the family feels like they’ve said a proper goodbye,” is such an uplifting experience.

At the worst of times, people deserve of our best, and we’ll keep on with our work so long as we feel we can give it to them.

Saying goodbye to mum is the hardest thing of all

Fri, 25 Mar 2022 12:29:31 GMT

Saying goodbye to mum is the hardest thing of all

Mother’s Day can be tough for people who’ve already lost theirs – a day to remember what they’re missing.

As a funeral director, I get to see people saying their goodbyes to all kinds of family and friends, but funerals for mothers are always a bit different.

We had a lady earlier this year, who decided to record her own eulogy. She left instructions to her sons that it was on her phone and not to watch it until the service. They were shocked when they discovered she had prepared a full twenty minute oration. You could have heard a pin drop as she talked about her life, school, how she met their father and told different anecdotes about each of her children. When she finished, the entire congregation stood to give her a standing ovation – not something many people get at their own funerals.

There is a history when it comes to funerals for mothers being unlike any others. Dads are loved and missed too, but the atmosphere when it is a mum who has passed is very noticeably heightened. Making a personal appearance is something which was taken a step further by a lady called Miriam Burbank, who in true New Orleans tradition, knew how to put on a show. Ms Burbank came to her own wake, propped up at a table, cigarette in one hand, twelve year old malt in the other, with a disco ball spinning in time to the music, nails carefully painted in the colours of her beloved New Orleans Saints American Football team.

In this country, the royal family has always done things their own way when mothers pass too. Only Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson had more expensive send-offs than Princess Diana and the Queen Mother. But the most unusual royal funeral was for Eleanor of Castile, wife of Edward I and mother to Edward II. She died in Nottinghamshire in 1290 and was taken in procession back to London in a journey lasting twenty-one days. At twelve of the places where the procession stopped, monuments were built – we know them today as Eleanor crosses. Her funeral was far from straightforward in that she was buried in three different places - her entrails in Lincoln, her heart at Black Friars in London, and the rest of her in Westminster Abbey.

Mums can often surprise you, and the funeral of one mother in particular almost caught us unawares quite recently. From what the family had said it seemed like it was going to be quite a small affair. There was the husband and three children and the Order of Service they’d asked for made no mention of any tributes from anyone outside the immediate family. When we arrived at the crematorium, we were taken aback to see perhaps a hundred people there meaning there was standing room only. The minister quickly realised that a lot of them were expecting to speak. It soon became clear from the heartfelt tributes that this lady may have only given birth to her daughters and son, but the room was filled with people who regarded her as a mother to them. There was an outpouring of deeply loving and touching tributes from so many – several of whom had even named their own kids after her. It was hard to imagine how she’s managed to divide up her time among so many individuals.

You can often spot a mother’s funeral by the quantity of flowers that arrive with us in the days leading up to it – usually many more than with other deaths. The atmosphere of loss but also of celebration is different too. We were asked to arrange a service for a non-religious family at a local stately home, and weren’t quite sure what to expect. The answer was that it turned into a party. In place of the usual hymns, it was all reggae and R & B. People were singing and dancing in the aisles and it felt more like a nightclub than a funeral. Mum liked to enjoy herself and her family and friends had decided she should go out as she had lived.

Mothers make their mark on us all.

Women and death – a funeral director’s perspective for International Women’s Day

Fri, 04 Mar 2022 21:26:03 GMT

Women and death – a funeral director’s perspective for International Women’s Day

To the Victorians, women were fragile creatures, prone to going weak at the knees in the presence of death. Such was the attitude of Victorian men, and it meant for the first time in human history, the business of caring for the dead ceased to be a primarily female role. It’s taken more than a hundred years, but women are regaining their position in the industry. According to the latest available figures (2011) the proportion of women working as funeral directors has risen in the past few decades from not very many at all to about 34%. As a funeral director myself, this tells me that women are taking back that traditional responsibility, not just in terms of providing professional assistance to the bereaved, but within the families where death has occurred.

When we visit a newly-bereaved family, we sit to talk about the options available – burial or cremation, religious or secular, etc. The men of the family will join in the conversation and often have strong views, particularly pertaining to cost, but it’s the women who take charge, the women who organise the invitations, the women who think about the flowers and the personal tributes and the music and… just about everything else. This is not to decry men in any way, and I must state clearly that I am dealing in generalities – obviously not all families are the same – but this is an overwhelming trend in my experience.

There are a number of factors at play. Women tend to be better at multitasking, and if ever an event required the skills of an expert juggler a funeral is one of them. Inviting people, feeding them, deciding what should go in an Order of Service, picking those perfect photographs to best represent the lost family member – these are all things which women are often just better at. International Women’s Day is absolutely about fairness and equality as the adopted key message for 2022 proclaims – Break the Bias. But it should also be about recognising difference in a positive light, and it is women’s strength which brings them to the fore in such times of crisis. I have seen so many women display a stoicism, a courage that fuels their determination to do the best for the person who has passed and those who mourn them. Men can be that bit more fragile. Less in touch with their emotions perhaps, and a little more fearful of them; it can be hard for men to get involved with the detail of a funeral because doing so forces them to come face-to-face with the reality of their loss.

As a female funeral director, I would like to think I bring something different to the role from those great strengths brought by my husband and partner in the business, Paul. I’m glad that more women are getting involved in the industry which will be all the better for a more gender-balanced approach in terms of the service we provide. I also regard it as a great positive that women feel sufficiently empowered to take the lead once more when death strikes their families. After all, mourning is all about families which so often have strong women at their heart.

End of COVID regulations

Fri, 04 Mar 2022 11:57:33 GMT

End of COVID regulations

As you will be aware, all COVID regulations have now been removed in England, so there are no official limits to the number of mourners allowed at church or humanist services, crematoria, wakes or Nine Night events.

However, some venues are still imposing their own limits on numbers. We will always aim to let you know if your preferred venues are setting any specific restrictions but if you are in any doubt, do not hesitate to get in touch with us directly.

Floral Tributes

Sat, 29 Jan 2022 20:46:36 GMT

Floral Tributes

At Integrity Funeral Care we never cease to be moved by the quality and poignancy of some of the floral tributes we see prepared by families for their loved one’s graves. Sometimes it’s the sheer scale and cacophony of colour which creates the impact; sometimes a simple, small spray of blooms can be as affecting.

We know that families can struggle to decide what flowers to choose, so on this page we have compiled a collection of some of the more memorable displays we have seen in the hope that they will give you ideas and help you decide. We are grateful to the families involved for allowing us to reproduce them here.

Some families choose especially loved or significant colours of particular meaning to the person who has passed. Others pick out their favourite flowers, or ones from their own gardens or allotments. We believe there is no right or wrong selection to make. Whatever you decide upon will be appropriate for the occasion.

Reflections on 2021 – Journal of (another) year

Sat, 01 Jan 2022 12:39:37 GMT

Reflections on 2021 – Journal of (another) year

In years to come, how will 2021 be remembered? So much has happened around the world from climate change inspired natural disasters to the siege of the Capitol in America to the roll out of vaccines, so unevenly around the world. We’re more aware of the gap between rich and poor on a global scale than ever we were, but that gap keeps on widening nonetheless. We’re more aware of the need to cut our carbon emissions, but the quantity of CO² and methane being released continues to grow. Twelve months ago, we were hoping 2021 would see the back of COVID, but today we’re still in its grip. Daniel Defoe’s Journal of the Plague Year was written fifty years after the pestilence of 1665 which killed 100,000 people in London alone, but vanished as suddenly as it had arrived. How many more years will we be dealing with our own mass contagion, and how far in the future will it be before we can make an honest appraisal of what happened?

For us at Integrity Funeral Care, it has been a year when our services have been called upon more than in any twelve months since we began almost six years ago. We have witnessed things we never imagined we would see. For example, funerals conducted by invitation only with strict limits on numbers but with sometimes an astonishing quantity of people watching online – 17,000 is our current record.

Before COVID, when either of us told people what we do for a living there was often an uncomfortable silence and shuffling of feet, almost embarrassment on occasion. Today, so many people have been touched by unexpected death that it’s as if that taboo has been disarmed. Instead, they ask, “Do you do embalming?” or “Where do you keep bodily remains?” It’s hard to determine an accurate average but most people will go to a funeral in normal times once every two years. Perhaps because, for all of us, that number has risen sharply, discomfort has been replaced by curiosity in this plague year.

Death is perhaps more at the forefront of all our minds. While figures for 2020 aren’t yet available, we understand that sales of funeral plans will have doubled from the previous twelve months, and those numbers will almost certainly have been significantly exceeded in 2021 (if you are considering taking one out, please read our advice on the subject h ere before you put pen to paper). New regulations are due to be announced early in 2022 which will hopefully clamp down on some of the more unscrupulous practices, because a lot of plans on sale are far from fit for purpose. Certainly, when it comes to funerals held in accordance with the traditions of the African-Caribbean community we generally serve, we’ve never seen a plan which would come close to footing the whole bill. However, on the personal rather than the financial side, we’ve been so concerned about people’s lack of preparation that we have produced a handy guide for the instructions we think you should consider leaving for your own loved ones and you can download it h ere free of charge. Nobody wants to consider their own mortality, but we can all take a great deal of stress away from our families if we only let them know our wishes in advance.

Probably the best thing to come out of the past twelve months for us, has been the number of truly lovely families and individuals we’ve met through our work, and hopefully helped through some of the toughest experiences of their lives. People can be so gracious, so philosophical and so warm in the worst of times. We’ve witnessed kindness in despair, love in tragedy, generosity of spirit in deep sadness. Most moving of all perhaps, we’ve met so many people who want things to be better, who want a more caring society than the one we had when COVID first spread its shadow. 400 years ago, Defoe expressed a similar sentiment. “Another plague year would reconcile all these differences, a close conversing with death, or the diseases that threaten death, would scum off the gall from our tempers, remove the animosities among us, and bring us to see with differing eyes, than those which we look'd on Things with before.”

Changes to Social Distancing and Funerals - The Rules

Thu, 23 Dec 2021 14:10:00 GMT

Changes to Social Distancing and Fun erals - The Rules

Under the current regulations, masks must be worn indoors. There is no upper limit to the number of mourners allowed to attend a funeral, although if there are more than five hundred people involved, vaccination certificates will be required. Theoretically, that means any number of people can attend, but funeral venues will still have to enforce social distancing. In other words, it’s really important to find out beforehand what your chosen venue can allow because every indoor space will still only be able to accommodate a maximum number of mourners. The government rules state that, “the actual number of people able to attend will depend on how many people can be safely accommodated within the venue with social distancing, and where the funeral venue manager has carried out a risk assessment and taken all reasonable measures to limit the risk of transmission of COVID-19.” If you’re looking for a church or other venue but you’re worried they might not be able to accommodate the whole family - or you’re searching for a place that can but don’t know where to start, we can offer recommendations. Equally, if you already have a venue booked but don’t know how this change of the rules will affect you, Integrity Funeral care will happily make those inquiries for you. If you’re at all unsure about what you will be able to do, please get in touch and we will offer our best advice.

Punctuality Please – a timely reminder from Integrity Funeral Care

Wed, 22 Dec 2021 21:40:34 GMT

Punctuality Please – a timely reminder from Integrity Funera l C are

There can be a bit of a problem when arranging funerals for members of our community.

Timekeeping.

When we go to parties, or to meet friends, a degree of elasticity with the time is not uncommon, and if it works for all involved then that’s fine.

This is not the case when attending a funeral, burial or cremation. When we book a venue for you there may well be another service scheduled to start immediately after yours is over. This means that we are not able to delay proceedings if mourners are late, and on a number of recent occasions, relatives have been caused significant distress when arriving to find a service has begun on time and they have missed much of it.

Punctuality is a mark of respect for the person who has passed and for those closest to them who have brought friends and families together to celebrate and mourn the life lost. What is so strange, is that people seem to understand completely the need to be on time at christenings or weddings. Nobody wants to be that person jostling past the bride at the church door to hastily sit down before Here comes the bride begins to play. If we go to the theatre or cinema or sporting events, we don’t expect the projectionist or the referee to stand there calmly waiting for us to arrive. Similarly at work. If we arrived at the office, shop or factory half an hour late every day we wouldn’t be surprised if our employer suggested we might find a new job.

Being punctual is a matter of respect, of good manners. If the church is in silence for moments of prayer and reflection, it doesn’t matter how stealthy you are, the sound of those footsteps on the stone tiled floor as you make a late entrance will be heard by everyone. It can be very disruptive and draws attention away from the service and onto you. You really don’t want the nearest and dearest of the deceased to remember the day, “because of all the noise so and so made coming in late.”

Our advice to you would be to aim to arrive half an hour early if not more. Apart from safeguarding yourself from being the cause of any sorrow or frustration on the part of the other mourners, it will give you time for a little reflection and contemplation of your own about the person who has passed.

The little extra effort will be worth it..

In Celebration of

Sun, 24 Oct 2021 16:00:22 GMT

Britain’s cities need more black undertakers

There are about 7,000 undertakers’ businesses in the UK and almost certainly fewer than 1% of those are black. Working in the profession as we have done for some years at www.integrityfuneralcare.co.uk , we are actually only aware of nine other companies in England. It’s time our industry campaigned to increase those numbers, for the good of the people we serve.

You might ask, why does this matter? This month is Black History Month, and it is precisely because of our differing history and tradition that this is so important.

As someone who has (prior to joining the profession) experienced the services available on the High Street, we can say with conviction that there is a tendency to a lack of understanding of the cultural and community needs of black people when using the services of a funeral director. Our communities are used to longer church services and time spent at the graveside with much more music and speech than is the norm in the wider population. We tend to have greater family involvement in the build-up to the actual funeral – for example Nine Night celebrations where relatives and friends of the deceased come together to sing and talk and commemorate everything they meant to us. The time between death and burial or cremation tends to be several weeks longer – often to allow family members spread all over the world to come together for the event.

It would be unreasonable to expect the profession as a whole to understand all this and to be able to respond accordingly. We who have grown up with it appreciate its significance. It is part of who we are.

13% of the UK population is from a non-white background, but in London, where we live and work, for example, that figure is closer to 40%. When those people lose a loved one, the vast majority of them will receive a service from our industry which is alien to them. People are at their weakest in these times and often get carried along with the flow of whatever’s suggested to them by a professional. The professionals themselves are doing their best, but they have insufficient understanding of what matters to black families to provide the care and the memories those clients deserve.

We hear all the time about the greater need for diversity in so many different industries and professions, but ours is a business nobody, apart from us, ever talks about. Now is the time to reach out to young people from ethic communities to encourage them to consider a career as a funeral director, to let them know how rewarding such service can be, and to better look after the needs of all the people of this country, regardless of their heritage.

Non-religious funerals

Mon, 13 Sep 2021 18:24:24 GMT

Non-religious funerals

It is a fundamental belief of Integrity Funeral Care that everyone deserves a sympathetic, efficiently managed farewell when they die, regardless of their faith or absence of one.

If your loved one was not religious you may want to consider a humanist funeral, and if so, we would be delighted to help ensure it is carried out with as much pride and sensitivity as any service in a church or chapel.

One of the problems people often come across when arranging non-religious funerals is the question of where to hold it. Unsurprisingly in our experience, church ministers are often very reluctant to allow their premises to be used for a service of a non-religious nature. What we have found is that there are many venues like stately homes which have in recent years become experienced in hosting weddings, and which are willing to provide a beautiful and poignant location. However, the people running the venue may be less well-versed with funerals so it’s vitally important that your funeral director has a chance to talk to them well in advance of the service, to make sure they can meet all the needs of such an event. If you’re at all uncertain, please do ask us and we can help you find an appropriate location and have all the necessary conversations to ensure everything goes off as you would wish. The second most frequent concern is for a celebrant. People worry that if they don’t want to have a member of the clergy taking the service then who might there be who can do it? There are today a number of very fine and experienced humanist celebrants who are as thoughtful and sympathetic as a family could wish for. Again, if you would like to explore this possibility, please do talk to us and we will help find the right person for you.

Then there is the service itself. One of the attractions of a non-religious funeral is the ability to do everything precisely as you and the departed loved one would wish. However, without the framework of a church service it can be quite daunting trying to work out what to include in terms of music, poetry, eulogies and so on. You’ll need to decide what you want to happen at the service itself and which elements would be better suited to the graveside or crematorium. Are floral tributes appropriate and what will you do about feeding those who attend? It’s really important to talk about all these things among the family, but an experienced professional will be able to give you a great deal of advice and guidance and hopefully take the weight of much of these arrangements from your shoulders at a time when you need to look after yourself, so you can properly experience the event, rather than being consumed by organising it.

For further information or advice, please do get in touch.

Do you need a Funeral Plan or just a plan of action?

Thu, 10 Jun 2021 13:05:21 GMT

Do you need a Funeral Plan or just a plan of action?

If you’re reading this it means that you’ve taken the decision to look forward towards the end of your life to make sure everything is as easy as possible for those you will leave behind. At Integrity Funeral Care we applaud you for so doing. We know it can be hard to contemplate our own mortality, but we also know that effective planning now, can save a lot of heartache for our families when the time comes.

We’re often asked for our advice concerning funeral plans – effectively insurance policies designed to cover the cost of a funeral. The attraction is simple, to save our loved ones from having to find the money to pay for our final farewell. In reality, no funeral plan will cover the entire cost and it is really important the policy holder understands this before paying any premiums.

It is important to note at the outset that Integrity Funeral Care is not a financial advisor and as such, the company is very limited in the advice it can legally give to members of the public. However, what we can do is explain your options so you can make a more considered decision for yourself. Many funeral directors use the selling of such policies as an added income stream; we at Integrity do not, and have no vested interest in their sale, although we will happily refer customers to a trusted Funeral Plan provider on request.

What we would say from the outset, is that we believe the current funeral plan market as a whole can raise people’s expectations about what will or will not be covered. We recently supported MoneySavingExpert.com in providing details of the costs that are not met by the policy, and those details can be found here:

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/prepaid-funeral-plans/ .

The legal situation

Funeral Plans only began to be officially regulated in July last year, following concerns raised in the media and by consumer groups that some policies were far less financially worthwhile than others. The industry is overseen by the Financial Conduct Authority (FCA) to make sure that in future all policies are fair, value-for-money and subject to formal appeal in the event that there is a dispute with customers. However, when deciding on whether a Funeral Plan is right for you, we suggest asking yourself the following questions:

How old are you?

If you’re over forty-five a Funeral Plan might not be the best choice for you. A life insurance policy would possibly be better value to yield the money your family would need to pay your funeral costs. For those forty-five or under, a Funeral Plan is worth investigating, not least because the premiums will be relatively low.

Do you already have life cover?

Most life plans carry a sum assured in excess of the cost of a funeral so there may be little point in doubling up by taking out a funeral policy as well. We would recommend you check with your policy provider to find out if this is the case.

Do you have savings?

If you’re in the fortunate position of having some personal savings it may not be the best use of them to buy a Funeral Plan when the monies already there could cover the cost. If you are unsure, we would recommend you speak to a professional financial advisor.

Do you know what a funeral plan will cover?

We find many people are very surprised when they realise what is, and more importantly, what is not covered by a Funeral Plan. Generally included in the list of services which they will not pay for are:

• Cost of burial

• Floral tributes

• Premium or bespoke coffins or caskets

• Limousines

• Orders of Service

(As mentioned above, more details can be found at: https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/prepaid-funeral-plans/ .)

If after reading this and you are still unsure how best to proceed, by all means call or email us at Integrity Funeral Care and we would be very happy to discuss the matter with you.

Do you know what you want to happen when you die?

Everything we have talked about here so far, has been about money, but finance is not the only area where you can provide certainty, and peace of mind, for your family. Do you want to be buried or cremated? Do you want a eulogy? What music would you like played at your funeral? Leaving these questions unanswered can cause anxiety for those making the arrangements, but this can easily be avoided. To leave a lasting record of how you would like your funeral to take place, please visit My Final Wishes .

Your Choice of Music

Thu, 10 Jun 2021 13:05:13 GMT

Your Choice of Music

Every funeral involves music to some degree, whether it be in the church or chapel or crematorium or at the graveside. Music provides a common thread, a shared opportunity for mourners to come together as one in celebration and remembrance of the deceased. Families choose every kind of music imaginable, whether it be their loved one’s personal favourites, pieces which remind others of them or ones of particular spiritual significance. There are no wrong choices, only the pieces which are right for this very personal, unique occasion.

The lack of singing together has been one of the saddest and most poignant consequences of the COVID era and the return of that communal commemoration is to be greatly welcomed. At the funeral service our advice would be that strong musical accompaniment, whether from a good quality recording or live musicians, is the best means to ensure members of the congregation feel genuinely involved and take a full part in proceedings. It can be sombre or uplifting or both, but music will bring people together.

In the case of burials, once the minister or other celebrant has finished the committal, cemetery staff will do the manual labour of filling the grave and tidying it sufficiently for family members to arrange the various floral tributes. Especially in winter, if the ground is particularly hard this can take up to an hour, and it is usual to fill that void in time with music. Integrity Funeral Care will be happy to sustain mourners with a hot cup of tea or coffee on request, but this is also a time when music is of vital importance. Family members may decide to bring their own instruments to play (guitars, tambourines and drums are all commonly used) or they might prefer to play tracks from an online source through a Bluetooth speaker. Certainly, some amplification can be very helpful in terms of keeping tune and time among the congregants. Equally, if there are one or two strong and confident singers among you, asking them to lead will encourage those more reluctant to fully join in. You might ask someone to track the verses, speaking each line before it is sung to make sure everyone sings the same words.

Some cherished hymns are chosen over and again; for example, Sleep on Beloved, Amazing Grace and Shall we Gather at the River are extremely popular. Not everyone chooses religious music and the strains of Bob Marley and Anita Baker are also very frequent choices.

As with every other detail of your farewell to a loved one, we are delighted to offer advice and support on any aspect of your musical decisions. We also have a hymn sheet of some of the most popular religious works available on request. Please ask for more details.

Changes to Social Distancing and Funerals

Tue, 04 May 2021 13:34:00 GMT

Changes to Social Distancing and Funerals - The Rules

From 17th May, the previous maximum of thirty mourners will be scrapped and there will no longer be an absolute limit. Theoretically, that means any number of people can attend, but funeral venues will still have to enforce social distancing. In other words, it’s really important to find out beforehand what your chosen venue can allow because every indoor space will still only be able to accommodate a maximum number of mourners. The government rules state that, “the actual number of people able to attend will depend on how many people can be safely accommodated within the venue with social distancing, and where the funeral venue manager has carried out a risk assessment and taken all reasonable measures to limit the risk of transmission of COVID-19.” If you’re looking for a church or other venue but you’re worried they might not be able to accommodate the whole family - or you’re searching for a place that can but don’t know where to start, we can offer recommendations. Equally, if you already have a venue booked but don’t know how this change of the rules will affect you, Integrity Funeral care will happily make those inquiries for you. If you’re at all unsure about what you will be able to do, please get in touch and we will offer our best advice.

It’s important to draw a distinction between funerals themselves and what the government terms “commemorative events.” This refers to occasions including stone setting ceremonies, the scattering of ashes or a wake. These are currently limited to fifteen people, indoors or out, and that number is unlikely to change before the further government review of restrictions on 21st June. In these circumstances, you might want to consider holding a virtual wake so more people can come using Zoom for example. If you’re not sure how to do that, by all means get in touch so we can give you a few tips or even arrange to host the event for you.

The number of mourners allowed to visit crematoriums and burial grounds has now gone up in most places in accordance with how many each location can accommodate safely. Pubs, restaurants, cafes and bars can once more host your funeral reception as they have now been allowed to open their indoor areas. There will still be some restrictions in place, such as a limit of six people and socially distanced tables. Again, we can help with finding out each location’s specific limits as we can with alternative venues including community centres, conference halls or meeting rooms.

Social Distancing and Funerals

Tue, 23 Mar 2021 13:45:33 GMT

Social Distancing and Funerals - your questions answered

In preparing for almost every funeral we arrange in the current crisis, we are asked about the rules regarding numbers of people allowed at the service. Most of the grieving families with whom we deal have a lot of people they want to invite to commemorate and pay respects to the person who has passed. They appreciate that the legal limit in church or at a crematorium is for thirty mourners, but more often than not they want to accommodate twice that number.

There are ways to safely and legally increase family attendance. For example, churches will often provide ushers to hand out orders of service and direct people to their seats. These roles can easily be filled by family members, but it is important to make sure we know this is happening so we can tell the minister in advance, that his usual helpers are not needed.

Similarly, musicians performing at the service do not count towards the funeral party of thirty. If family members can be guitarists or drummers or song leaders, they can fill those roles with the added benefit of feeling like they’re making an extra contribution to honouring the memory of the departed. What matters is that these people are doing something which would otherwise be done by someone other than a family member. If in doubt, as ever, please do ask us for advice.

When it comes to social distancing at the service, the situation varies from place to place. Most churches have either chairs or pews for seating. In the former case, each row will have a chair next to the aisle, then two chair spaces, then another chair and so on. In a church with pews, most are only allowing two people to sit in each pew. Of course, people who are in the same household or bubble can sit together. As with all these situations the important thing is to know what you can or cannot do before everyone arrives for the service. Talk to your funeral director and make sure you understand what your particular church or crematorium will allow well in advance. The people running those venues want to do everything they can to help your day run as smoothly as possible but prior communication is key. All that will be asked of you is to observe social distancing to the best of your ability in the context of what everyone understands is a very difficult moment. You may want to consider providing a live video feed of the ceremony for people who can’t join the congregation. Your funeral director should be able to advise you and help with this.

Many families would normally want an open casket at their service, but where the deceased is known to have had COVID, we’re afraid to say that is currently not allowed anywhere. However, we can also supply a casket with a viewing window so that even if that final moment of closeness is denied, mourners can at least see their loved one on their final journey. We have recently become able to offer COVID-safe embalming which does allow relatives to visit the departed in our Chapel of Rest. Unfortunately, when it comes to gathering around the coffin at the end of a service this is currently rarely allowed – again, because of fear of breaking social distancing rules.

If you have questions, please do ask them.

My Final Wishes

Mon, 22 Mar 2021 11:35:05 GMT

It’s important that our loved ones know what our final wishes would be in the event of our death so they can give us the sendoff we would have wanted. But surprisingly, many people never sit down to talk about the arrangements while there is still time.

Would we want to be buried or cremated? What kind of service would we want and are there people we especially want to be invited? What about the readings and the music?

Not having answers to these and many other questions can be distressing, especially if there is confusion in the family over what should be done. Knowing what they would have wanted can help relieve some of the pressure at such a difficult time.

With that in mind, we at Integrity Funeral Care have created the document above to help. We recommend you download it and fill in precisely what you would like to happen to you to make things that little bit easier for those left behind.

Once you’ve completed it, put it somewhere safe where you know it will be found when the time comes. Perhaps put it with your will or other important documents, or give it to the person closest to you for safekeeping.

It could take just a few minutes to explain what you would like; a few minutes which could give some real comfort to those you leave behind.

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Jewellery and clothing – dressing your loved one

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Call to allow reuse of graves as burial plots run low in England and Wales

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﻿ How to repatriate your loved one to a country outside the UK

The things being a funeral director has taught me

The things being a funeral director has taught me

Saying goodbye to mum is the hardest thing of all

﻿ Saying goodbye to mum is the hardest thing of all

Women and death – a funeral director’s perspective for International Women’s Day

﻿ Women and death – a funeral director’s perspective for International Women’s Day

End of COVID regulations

End of COVID regulations

Floral Tributes

Floral Tributes

Reflections on 2021 – Journal of (another) year

﻿ Reflections on 2021 – Journal of (another) year

Changes to Social Distancing and Funerals - The Rules

Changes to Social Distancing and Fun erals - The Rules

Punctuality Please – a timely reminder from Integrity Funeral Care

Punctuality Please – a timely reminder from Integrity Funera l C are

In Celebration of

Britain’s cities need more black undertakers

Non-religious funerals

Non-religious funerals

Do you need a Funeral Plan or just a plan of action?

Your Choice of Music

Changes to Social Distancing and Funerals

Social Distancing and Funerals

Social Distancing and Funerals - your questions answered

My Final Wishes

Marie Curie Day of Reflection

Who will look after my pet when I die?

Call to allow reuse of graves as burial plots run low in England and Wales

Seven reasons to choose an independent funeral director

How to repatriate your loved one to a country outside the UK

Saying goodbye to mum is the hardest thing of all

Women and death – a funeral director’s perspective for International Women’s Day

Reflections on 2021 – Journal of (another) year